99 problems, getting pregnant ain’t 1
when I was six I threw a tantrum because I wanted a slushie from 711 and I remember my dad said “I will never buy you a slushie” AND LITERALLY RIGHT NOW HE CAME IN THE CAR WITH A SLUSHIE AND I WAS LIKE WHY DIDNT YOU GET ME ONE AND HE LOOKED ME DEAD IN THE EYE AND SAID “REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE SIX”
so I’m at a gas station getting RED BULL AND THE GUY INFRONT OF ME IS TRYING TO GET CONDOMS AND HIS CARD GOT FUCKING DECLINED AND THIS LITTLE OLD WOMAN BEHIND ME WHISPEREd “he just got cock blocked by visa” I FUCKING SHAT MYSELF
when people casually mention something you’re completely obsessed with and it takes every fuckin ounce of your self control not to propel yourself into the stars and scream for the rest of eternity about how much you love the thing
u know u fucked up when u still haven’t slept yet and u hear birds chirping outside
i want to be so famous that people misspell my name just so it can be their url
I may not be 5 gum but I can still stimulate your senses.